The story of Jacob and Esau begins with a shocking disclaimer:

Isaac loved Esau because he had a taste for wild game.

But Rebekah loved Jacob.

Genesis 25:28 (CSB)

These parents openly favor different children. Isaac’s love for Esau depends on his ability to provide a tasty treat.

Parental favoritism is a narcissistic behavior that inflicts deep psychological wounds within the family – wounds I know as an unfavored child. Isaac and Rebekah’s favoritism led to Jacob’s deceptive behavior and Esau’s impulsive choices and explosivity. The favored child, the “golden child,” is just as much a victim as the neglected or scapegoated child. Both grow up with dysfunctional traits that impact their social skills. These choices and behaviors had effects for generations.

We’ll explore:

• How Jacob’s dysfunctional behaviors exploited his brother’s impulsivity and hunger, and deceived his disabled father.
• The roots of Esau’s impulsivity and rage.
• How Jacob’s sins and psychological wounds resurfaced in his relationships with his uncle, wives, and children.
• How favoritism affected ancient Israel and modern denominationalism in Judaism and Christianity.
• How grace disrupts the cycle of dysfunction.

Before we proceed, I want to make a quick note. We know God’s plans involve using the weak to confound the powerful. I’m not suggesting God should have fulfilled His covenant plan through Esau’s line. But that doesn’t excuse Jacob’s behavior. Yes, God works through imperfect people, a powerful truth displayed in the story of Jacob and Esau. I focused on that aspect in my video titled “Echoes Through Scripture Toldot.” However, another truth is the harm of favoritism and the generational impact of poor choices. We cannot ignore the negative aspects when our heroes are responsible for them.

Roots of Dysfunction

Isaac and Rebekah were learned narcissists.

Isaac came from a broken home. His father took Sarah’s servant Hagar as a wife, impregnated her, and then exiled her and Isaac’s stepbrother.

Sure, Ishmael mocked Isaac.

Yes, Isaac was the promised son.

Consider Hagar’s situation. Sarah gave her to Abraham without any say. Her son goes from heir to embarrassment. After losing his status as the favored son, Ishmael’s mocking was a defense mechanism. Now, they are driven into the wilderness, where survival depends on God’s grace.

Isaac grows up knowing this. He sees the tension between Abraham and Sarah. Abraham loved Ishmael, and his actions of sending him away were distressing (Genesis 21:11). Even God’s comforting words that He would protect and bless Ishmael did not fully relieve Abraham’s guilt and shame.

God told Abraham to take his favored son, Isaac, to sacrifice him on Mount Moriah. Abraham left without informing Sarah or Isaac of his instruction. When Isaac discovers Abraham’s intent to kill him as an act of worship, he is left with little choice as he is bound and unable to defend himself. Rabbinic midrash, a traditional Jewish interpretation of scripture, declares Isaac was so faithful he agreed to be sacrificed, yet such an event would still have affected him deeply.

It scarred Sarah. She separated from Abraham and died alone.

What?

After Mount Moriah, Abraham settled in Beer-Sheba (Genesis 22:19). Sarah lived her remaining days in Kiriath-Arba (Genesis 22:19), a 34-mile journey from Abraham.

Isaac was affected by this family dysfunction, and Rebekah developed traits from living in this household. Their narcissistic behavior and parental favoritism were learned behaviors.

The Neglected Son

Esau grew up without his mother’s full love. She told him she loved him, but he knew he’d always be second to his brother.

Psychological studies show that impulsivity and anger develop as coping mechanisms for unmet emotional needs. Esau’s behavior with his brother mirrors patterns I recognize in myself—wrestling with impulsivity, the struggle for validation, and the emotional scarring from being the neglected, scapegoated son. Even thirty years later, I’m discovering how this dynamic shaped my responses to stress and conflict.

Isaac loved Esau as long as he brought back a tasty treat from his hunts (Genesis 25:28), but his father’s love wasn’t guaranteed. What if Esau returned empty-handed? Would his father still love and favor him?

After a disappointing hunt, Esau encounters his brother in the field. His brother, exhausted from the journey and wrestling with self-worth, senses this. Jacob, knowing Esau’s impulsivity, makes a devious offer. He offers a warm meal after a difficult day. Esau, consumed by self-doubt, chooses instant gratification. If he is not favored, why would the birthright matter?

How often today do marginalized individuals choose instant gratification over things that will genuinely improve their lives?

How often do ostracized individuals choose instant gratification of sin?

In Jesus’ day, people derogatorily called these groups the am ha-aretz, the “people of the land.” They couldn’t meet the rabbis’ religious ideals, so they gave up. If they couldn’t meet the requirements set by the religious establishment, why try? Many today struggle with the same mindset.

The Manipulative Golden Child

Jacob was a victim of favoritism.

Being the “golden child” of his mother shielded Jacob from developing a strong moral character. His father’s neglect created a need to seek power and approval through cunningness (the same trait the serpent exhibited in the Garden of Eden). Isaac and Rebekah’s favoritism created a monster.

Jacob felt no moral obligation to care for his brother. When he sensed Esau in a vulnerable state, he exploited Esau’s psychological deficits to gain the birthright.

Jacob felt no moral obligation to honor his father. Instead, he agreed to his mother’s plan to take advantage of his father’s disabilities to obtain the blessing.

Did God need Jacob to illicitly obtain the birthright and his father’s blessing to ensure the covenant promises went through his line? Or was this about Jacob’s need for human approval?

What did this gain Jacob? He’s alienated from Esau, fled his home fearing for his life, and never sees his mother again. Esau remains Isaac’s favored son and ends up with the family’s wealth, i.e., the birthright and the blessing (from a human standpoint).

Parental favoritism haunts Jacob throughout his life. He tries and fails to become Laban’s favorite. During the wedding, Laban exploits Jacob’s impaired senses (from drinking) to marry him to Leah instead of Rachel. Jacob favors her and her children over Leah and her children. Leah’s children deceive him into believing his favored son Joseph died.

The cycle of favoritism and deception repeats through generations. Tribal favoritism creates chaos, dividing the nation into two nations: the northern ten tribes and the southern kingdom of Judah.

How Dysfunction Shapes Religious Communities

The patterns in Jacob and Esau’s family extend to religious communities. Just as Rebekah created an “in-group” (Jacob) and an “out-group” (Esau), denominations (Jewish and Christian) often recreate this dynamic.

The pattern:

• Rebekah’s unconditional support of Jacob mirrors denominations excusing their members’ behavior while condemning outsiders.
• Jacob’s deception is often justified because he was the “chosen” son. Sometimes religious groups justify unethical behavior in service to the divine mission.
• Esau is deemed unworthy of the blessing, like those outside the favored group viewed as spiritually deficient.

The result creates a toxic cycle. The “chosen” denomination develops an inflated sense of righteousness, like the golden child. They declare themselves the sole arbiters of God’s truth. Salvation can only be found through adherence to their interpretation. Abusive behavior toward outsiders is justified as “necessary discipline” or “protecting the faith.”

Meanwhile, “outsiders” often act like Esau – lashing out at organized religion or giving up on faith due to feelings of spiritual unworthiness. Both reactions reinforce the denomination’s sense of righteousness and solidify the golden child status.

The story of Jacob and Esau serves as a warning. Just as favoritism creates a dysfunctional family, denominational elitism creates a dysfunctional body of Messiah.

Grace, Healing, and Growth

Healing requires rejecting the roles of the golden child or scapegoat, acknowledging the rift and seeking reconciliation with siblings, and setting boundaries or disengaging from parents who exhibit favoritism.

Easy, right?

For many of us, a self-discovery journey leading to wisdom is required. Even when gained, its application can seem daunting. Jacob waited twenty-one years before returning to reconcile with his brother. His return was marked with fear. He went back in humility, expecting to suffer his brother’s rage. During their time apart, Esau healed. He embraced Jacob with unexpected forgiveness.

There was no discussion of who was right or wrong. Assigning blame wasn’t the answer. The answer was grace – unmerited forgiveness of past wrongdoing and a commitment to a new relationship.

Jesus exemplified this. When he spoke with sinners, he welcomed them. He refused to play the golden child, pointing out their faults. Instead, he offered to start anew. The first will be last, and the last will be first. He offers a family without favorites. All are equal in the Father’s eyes. Grace forgives past bad behavior, stemming from a cycle of abuse. It invites us to join a functional family.

We must stop the toxic cycle at home. We must refuse to be the victim or victimize others. My amazing wife has done this for me. She reinforces my worth and we discuss ways to avoid favoritism toward our five boys.

Broken Heroes and God’s Grace

God works through flawed individuals. Jacob was broken and passed those traits to his children. Yet Yahweh fulfilled His covenant promises through Jacob’s line.

This gives us hope.

If you’re a parent who has shown favoritism, a child affected by it, or part of a religious system that thrives on it, you can still change. Start by acknowledging the dysfunction. Embrace the Gospels’ message that all are welcome, all are loved, all can be forgiven. Grace covers many sins, but also means we change our identity. We’re no longer the golden child or scapegoat. We’ve been redeemed and reconciled into a new family defined by love, equality, and allegiance to King Jesus.